Instructions

If you do a lesson a week this course will take you one year. We recommend starting on a new year (Tishrei/January 1) or at the beginning of a season (Spring = Nisan/April 1).

We also suggest you make your Mussar work a daily/weekly ritual by setting a specific time/place for it. These conversations are a path that must be walked step-by-step so don't jump ahead to the talks that catch your attention. Stay consistent.

At the end of each session you'll be given four exercises, usually in the form of questions. These exercises take time and emotional energy so you may want to plan to do only one a day.

We strongly encourage you to do the course with a partner/chavrusa or a group/va'ad. Not only will this extra dimension make the experience more powerful, it will also help you stay with the program and reap the rewards.

Also, a heads up - if you do the course we expect you to treat this like a real relationship and do what you believe everyone should do. Practically speaking, that means making a small donation every five lessons to help cover our overhead expenses. You do not have our permission to freeload.

Get started by signing up for texts/emails with your Mussar lesson for the week!

Lesson Guide

#1: Introduction to the Biblical Mussar Course

What is Mussar? We'll talk about that in the next lesson. In this one I'll just tell you what these conversations are going to be about. Mussar is a Hebrew word and a Jewish discipline, but really Mussar teachings are for everyone. They're the things you should have been taught as a child but probably weren't. So while these talks are for adults, I'll talk on a simple level so kids can understand too. At the end of this talk I'm going to do two things that we'll end each conversation with - I'll say something I'm celebrating and then make up a little blessing, special for you.

#2: If "Mussar" is the noun, what's the verb? (Shema as deep listening and loving)

Every word in Hebrew comes from a verb, so what's the action word behind Mussar? Oh wait a minute, that action word actually means at least five things, you say? And Mussar is basically a practice of doing those things for myself? What about the first time that action word is used in the Torah, how is that about practicing deep listening and pausing when things start going wrong to ask myself something? And how is Mussar connected to the ancient "Shema" prayer? Can it really help me enter into that beautiful circle of coming to know and love the human and divine Other?

#3: How do I stay WARM and OPEN when evil is a reality? (The Antidote to Nihilism)

There is evil in the world and if you haven't already encountered it firsthand, you will. When we come face-to-face with the reality of evil we're tempted to become cold in one of two ways - either the grumpy emoji takes over and we get hard, reactive, and closed, or the yawning emoji kicks in and we stop caring and become bored and cynical. That temptation to grow cold is one of the greatest threats to the world today. Nihilism suggests that nothing really matters, that your life is meaningless, and that you should probably just give up. The problem is that cold nihilistic hearts don't just live in a cold world - they create a cold world. That's why it will take a movement of Mussar practitioners with warm, open, caring hearts to save the world.

#4: Is it possible to parent yourself in the ways you never got from your parents?

The uncomfortable fact is that Mussar means discipline. Our first experiences of Mussar were as children being disciplined by adults and it was not fun. The reality is that humans are imperfect and sometimes fail, and this was certainly true of our parents and the adults in our lives. The good news is not only can you go back and parent yourself in the ways you needed as a child, but you can also experience a loving relationship with the perfect Parent that you need now. In this conversation we're going to explore just that - how to step into a loving parent-child relationship with Hashem through Mussar practice, and how you can begin parenting yourself in the ways that you needed as a child.

#5: How can you make your Mussar practice life-giving, sustainable, and rewarding?

There are some places in the Bible where the verb behind the Hebrew word "mussar" is translated as punishment, and in one place it's even translated as flogging! So what is Mussar, anyway - is it discipline or punishment? Is there even a difference between the two? If yes, what's the difference? What was your experience growing up, were you disciplined or punished? And how about now, which do you tend towards in how you relate to yourself? Are you too hard or too easy on yourself? These are some of the questions we'll explore in today's conversation, along with the most important question - how are you like a puppy, and how should that inform your personal Mussar practice? (It's been five conversations!  Thank you for donating.)

#6: On a scale of 1-10 how happy are you? Why not 10? Do you really know why?

What would it look like if you were perfectly happy? Have you ever been, or could you ever be? You may need to brace yourself, because...true happiness doesn't come from sitting on the beach sipping a cold one! Not lasting happiness, anyways. The Hebrew word for happy is "ashrei" and it literally means to be moving towards a destination. What's nifty is that this is exactly what happens when you see yourself making progress towards a goal - your brain gives you a dopamine hit and you feel really good! That's why, if you really want to be happy, you need to know what you want and be working towards it. Deep joy comes from becoming a disciple and practicing a discipline. And that's where Mussar comes in.

#7: How long have you been practicing Mussar without realizing it?

How do you feel when I say..."warning"? You probably don't get the warm fuzzies. But it's actually a really positive word! If you never told yourself "if...then…" you'd probably be dead by now. Why? Because sometimes what's bad for future you feels good now, and vice versa. Telling yourself the truth about the future is a Mussar practice you've already been doing for years. What would it look like if you kept at it, but a little more intentionally? This is our last conversation about how the action word behind Mussar is used in the Bible. I'll finish by showing you a list of all the places you can find it.

#8: Are your sufferings precious? Are the trials dear to you? Can they be?

Now that we've seen what "yasar" means in Biblical Hebrew, let's look at how it was used after the Bible was written down and also look at another noun that comes from that verb - "yissur". We all experience "yissurin", but what do we do with them? Do we frame them positively and allow our trials and sufferings to correct us, even seeing them as visitations of divine love to be held dear and precious? If you practice Mussar now, then you'll be ready for the yissurin that will inevitably come.

#9: Which family does the verb behind "Mussar" belong to?

This is where it gets fun! Every word in Hebrew comes from a verb, and every verb belongs to a family of related words. Not only that, but these families either mean a thing or its opposite! For the next five conversations we're going to look at the family of Hebrew words that "yasar" belongs to and, just like we've been doing all along, let that take us to some deep places. Let's start by talking about how limiting yourself in one area can enable you to expand in others. Most of us didn't feel so good about "restriction" when we were kids, but self-imposed restrictions can be the best thing that ever happened to your values and goals! We'll finish with a surprise Mussar assignment and, as always, a blessing.

#10: Why is Marriage/Family the best place for deep Mussar work?

Who are you stuck with? Marriage and family relationships are the best place for deep Mussar work. You might feel tied down, inhibited, or outright opposed sometimes, but these are also the bonds that hold you together, meet your basic needs, and enrich your life. Family is your mirror, showing how helpful you really are. That's what Mussar does too. In the process of revealing where you want to go it also reflects where you're really at - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Facing your dark side may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but it will also make you a deep and authentic person. Let's look at the family of words that "helpmate" belongs to, see how marriage works like a belt, and discover why family feels like a backyard. (It's been five more conversations!  Thank you for donating.)

#11: How much of a Minimalist are you? How is Minimalism part of Mussar practice?

Minimalists value quality over quantity. They choose things they really like instead of just piling up stuff. They clear the clutter to make space for the relationships and experiences that really matter. Are you surprised that Mussar and downsizing are connected in Hebrew? Let's look at how this word for Mussar also teaches you to watch for what's being birthed when you're feeling broken, conditions you to allow pressure to make you like a rock, and gives you hope when your social circles are changing for the better but it hurts.

#12: How do you lose your inhibitions and be yourself...without alcohol?

Imagine losing all your inhibitions and being totally free. What do you look like? How do you talk to people? How different would that be from how you are now? People drink to lose their inhibitions and be their real selves, but what if there was another way? If the truth sets you free, what do lies do? How are you lying to yourself and the world? And what if the biggest lie was that you aren't? These are some of the tough questions we'll face in this conversation. We'll also talk about how you have both a masculine and a feminine side and explore how Mussar practice can help you become a more whole person.

#13: The time to REBEL has come and the MUSSAR INSURGENCE has begun. Join the cause!

Have you ever pushed back when someone pushed you first? Or did you go through a rebellious phase in your teens or forties? Our natural response to pressure is to resist, and in extreme cases to outright rebel. We need room to breathe and freedom to be ourselves. So would you be surprised to hear that MUSSAR is related to the Hebrew word for REBELLION? The goal of Mussar work is freedom! That means resisting the internal and external forces that want to control you while at the same time applying the inner pressure you need to become more awesome. Mussar practitioners are the ultimate freedom fighters, walking their own individual paths while they engage in the greatest struggle known to man. You need something to live for. So wake up to the forces seeking to oppress you and join the rebellion!

#14: What does the Hebrew word "Mussar" mean and where is it in the Bible?

We finally made it to "Mussar"! What does this Hebrew word actually mean? Where is Mussar in the Bible? Does it mean the same thing in biblical and modern Hebrew? Why do you hear it pronounced two different ways? And should you spell it "Mussar" or "Musar"? We'll answer all these questions and then look at three verses using this word which are all related to our first convo about listening and loving, but with a new twist - Mussar is all about engaging. With that understanding, any surprise the Hebrew word "mussar" is related to the word for "saw"?

#15: When is Mussar bad, foolish, ineffective, and a waste of time?

Mussar is only mentioned once in the Torah but it's a disturbing text - the generation of the Exodus saw God's miracles and his mussar but it wasn't enough and they still died in the desert. Why didn't their experience of Mussar work? The Bible also warns that Mussar can be bad, foolish, and a waste of time. How can that even be? What makes the difference? Let's look at these problematic texts and see if we can't figure it out. But be warned - the answer may be troubling.  (It's been another five conversations!  Thank you for donating.)

#16: Aggressive? High Testosterone? 'Toxic' Male? We want you. We need you.

How do you feel about how "toxic masculinity" is talked about? Have you observed it to be a thoughtful and necessary conversation about hurtful extremes or more of a hatefest that demonizes masculinity and makes men feel bad? Why isn't anybody talking about "toxic femininity"? The reality is that we all have a masculine and a feminine side. Destructive aggression is real, but could there also be constructive aggression? The great news is that there is a place to take out your aggression and it is the arena of Mussar work. Man or woman - if your high testosterone has left you feeling misunderstood and marginalized, there's room for you on the path of Mussar. Not to mention the world needs you. So let's do this!

#17: What if you read Proverbs as a Mussar Book? And let it King/Queen you?

If you could have coffee with the King or Queen of an Empire, what advice would they give you? That's what the book of Proverbs is - David, the great warrior-poet, telling his little son all the things. We usually think of Proverbs as wisdom literature, but did you know that Mussar is emphasized even more than wisdom in its opening lines? And that over half the references to Mussar in the Bible are in this one book? Maybe it's time to go back and read Proverbs again and let yourself be fathered in the ways you never were. This is your invitation to do a Mussar chapter a day and let it strike royalty in your soul.

#18: The seven facets of "Reproof" in Mussar Practice

What if there was another Hebrew word that was used synonymously with mussar? Do you think maybe it could give you new insights into what your Mussar practice could look like? You're right! "Tochachat" is another word for mussar and is usually translated "reproof". When we look deeper though, tochachat means so much more. First let me teach you how to actually pronounce this term. Then I'll show you the seven different meanings it has. Hopefully along the way you'll begin to see reproof in a new light and come to treasure every experience of reproof you get.

#19: If you're lucky enough to be rebuked by God himself...

Have you ever been in a situation where either you told the other person that what they were doing wasn't ok or pretended everything was fine and watched the relationship turn fake? How about now, who are you avoiding because you don't want to have that hard conversation? What if God did that to you? The beautiful thing is that he doesn't. If Hashem rebukes you it means he's not ignoring you. It means he's engaging with you authentically and intimately because he cares enough to fight for the relationship. That's why Mussar rebukes are so terrible and wonderful all at the same time. Let's keep going.

#20: Have you ever been rebuked? How did you find yourself responding?

Has anyone ever told you to stop? Or have you ever had a day when nothing was going your way? Maybe it even felt like the universe - or God himself - was against you! How did you react? There's nothing like being crossed to show where you're really at. We get triggered, we erupt…all sorts of dark and scary things come up. Kind of like a volcano actually. No matter how you look at it, a Mussar rebuke is a deep thing. It can bring the stuff up you're avoiding or repressing. And then there's the challenge of how to get the rebuke to go deep in a good way instead of just bouncing off you and causing a firestorm. This is the first of two convos about how to receive a rebuke.  (Have we already had yet five more conversations?  Thank you for donating.)

#21: When Mussar Becomes Verbal Abuse

Most of the synonyms for "reproof" in the dictionary are violent. You get the impression we don't know how to say "stop" or have those hard conversations without losing it and becoming verbally abusive. Maybe that's even happened to you. What do you do when someone's rebuking you but you're not sure they actually care about you, or want the best for you, or even really know you? How do you take care of your own heart in those situations? This is Boundaries 101 but most of us never learned basic boundaries so welcome to the club. :)

#22: Why Rebuke? Five Reasons We Need Hard Conversations (aka "Tochacha")

Remember the last thing we discussed? It was why we suck at hard conversations. Maybe we should talk a little more about why they're still important, just so we don't give up. Boundary work, contructive criticism, talking through stuff...there's a word in Hebrew for this and about a dozen related topics - "tochacha"! Can you experience truly loving relationships or have real peace without tochachah? Can you accomplish your personal mission or can Mashiach come without tocheichah? Or come to think of it, can you even say "tochacha" right without horking on your friend?

#23: Ask Yourself These Five Questions Before Engaging In Tochacha

Making the decision to try to talk through stuff with someone can be scary. You want it to go well but there's also that terrifying possibility that you'll just make things worse. How can you know if it'll be worth the effort or if it would be better to just let it go? Are there things you can do to get ready for what could turn into a challenging situation? In the next four talks you'll see how to actually have those hard conversations, but first here are some questions to ask yourself before you even decide to try 'being mochiach'. I hope they help!

#24: 10 Steps to Hard Conversations, Part 1/4

'Reprove thy neighbor' is right in there with 'love thy neighbor' but it doesn't tell you how to do it! And as we've seen, trying to talk through stuff can go wrong in so many ways. This is the first of four conversations about how to make those hard conversations easier and more likely to end well. These ten steps are synthesized from the Rambam's commentary on the 'Mitzvah of Tochacha' and from Non-Violent Communication (NVC), a compassionate and empowering way of relating developed by world-class peacemaker Marshall Rosenberg. 

READ & DOWNLOAD PDF: 'Mussar Guide to Hard Conversations'

#25: Five ways to light up everybody in the room...including yourself!

Did you ever meet that guy who never had anything good to say and only spoke up when something was wrong? That doesn't work in relationships and it certainly doesn't help when there's conflict! Let's talk about the five languages of affirmation and how you can use them to make your friend feel good about talking through the hard stuff with you. And get this - even when there's nothing wrong, you can still use these languages to put smiles on everybody's faces. You might even end up smiling yourself! Could this be the secret to happiness?  (Thank you for donating after every five conversations.)

#26: The Language of Feelings & Needs (From Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication/NVC)

If you didn't know what you were feeling and needing you would literally die! For instance, how long would you last if you couldn't brain "I feel thirsty, I need water"? Our whole lives consist of doing things to feel certain ways and meet specific needs. That's why Marshall Rosenberg called the simple act of trying to understand each other's feelings and needs 'the language of life' and put it at the heart of Nonviolent Communication - because it's the best way of compassionately connecting with someone and showing that you really understand them. This is our third conversation about how to 'be mochiach'. I hope it will also be your first step on the lifelong path of the empath.

#27: Ten Steps to the Mitzvah of Tochacha (Commandment of Reproof) Part 4/4

And now it's your turn. How do you share your own feelings and needs and ask for what you want without slipping into those violent old mindsets of blame, demands, and subtle attacks? And what if your friend says no, how do you practice self-care and good boundaries then? This is our fourth and final talk about how to have hard conversations. If you haven't had the time to watch here are the Ten Steps in one sentence: Make your friend feel safe, free, good, and understood; then say "when you ___, I feel ___. I need ___, so would you ___?" All the best as you walk the path of nonviolent tochacha!

'Mussar Guide to Hard Conversations' PDF | Rambam on Sefaria (Deot 6:6-9) | Rambam on Chabad with commentary (Deot 6:6-9) | NVC on Amazon | NVC on YouTube 

#28: REGRET is horrible. Here's how to use Mussar warnings to avoid it.

We all have regrets about the past. We desperately wish we could go back and change it, but the concrete has set and it's too late. All we have left is this moment...and tomorrow. Regrets can be redemptive if they move us to live lives now that we won't regret later, and that's where Mussar warnings come in. In Hebrew these emotionally charged imperatives enable you to navigate the present by illuminating the future. Why? So you can experience the pleasure of success and fulfillment instead of the pain of failure and regret. Does that give you a new perspective on the mitzvot/commandments?

#29: That FREEDOM your heart is silently screaming for? Here's how to get it.

Think about that one thing you've been tempted to do...and tell yourself you're free to do it. How do you feel? Now tell yourself you're just as free to not do it. What happens? We deeply and desperately need to feel free. But how? Where's the real freedom? Maybe if you just did whatever you felt like and followed your heart's impulses? Or what if that just made things worse? We're about to get our answers by looking at two Hebrew words and then looking way past them to their chaotic opposites. Is it worth an hour of your life to feel more free than you've ever felt before?

#30: How's your relationship with God - more romance or working relationship?

What if the only freedom you really had was the choice of what or who you were going to worship? And what does it tell you that the English word for worship means "worth" and the Hebrew means "work"? Let's look at a Hebrew word that's spelled exactly the same as "mussar" but pronounced differently and use that to springboard into talking about the connection between your highest values and your GOD, how to keep the romance in your relationship with Hashem, and exactly how the path of nihilism ends in annihilation. This is our second talk about real freedom. (Five more conversations!  Thank you for donating.)

#31: Five Things To Tell Yourself When You're Suffering

Does God hate you? Maybe that's why he let that happen. Or maybe it's because he's not there anymore. Or maybe he never really was - just like you-know-who when you were growing up. What if the tragic accidents in your life really were just that, random accidents? What if your pain is for nothing? How are you supposed to keep going when everything in you just wants to collapse? How are you supposed to love when all you have is rage? If you've suffered then you know how real these questions are. Here are five things I want you to tell yourself. Or let me tell them to you. And, hey - I love you.

#32: Five MORE Things To Tell Yourself When You're Suffering

There's a silver lining around your pain but it might be hard to see. This is where your character is forged, where you get to choose who you're going to be. Because first you form your habits, and then they form you. Suffering is the cagefight where life comes at you fast and hard and the only thing that matters is how you trained. It's the glaring light of reality with the cheering crowd beyond. Remember that this test of endurance isn't just for you - you're fighting for others too, on a level you can't even comprehend. So keep going, my friend. Your trial by fire won't last forever and you will have peace yet.

#33: How can your soul get the light it needs to be SO ALIVE and not just...?

Everyone practices basic Mussar from early childhood because if they don't they die. But is there more to it than just physical survival? If you've ever experienced the living death of depression then you know that there's so much more to being deeply, truly ALIVE than just subsisting. And what if it wasn't just about you? What if what you did with Mussar made the difference between life and death for your kids? Or their kids? Imagine a city or country full of sincere Mussar practitioners and then brace yourself and imagine the opposite. Life needs light to stay alive, and so does your soul. But how do you get that light?

#34: Here's how to LOVE YOURSELF so you can love thy neighbor (and how NOT to)

Can you really love your neighbor if you don't love yourself? Be kind to yourself yes, but what does that actually look like? Why is it so easy for self-care to go from taking some needed you-time off so you can get lost in a good story with your favourite snack to staying up all night binge-watching and drinking the whole bottle and then feeling horrible the next day? That's why you need Mussar - because it's how to love yourself, it's how to feel good; it's literally your connection to your own soul. And one more thing - if there's anything I could wish for you, it's what I say at the end of this talk. ♥

#35: If you want to BECOME SENTIENT and ENCOUNTER GOD here's the ancient secret

Why have stories about 'becoming a real boy' or going on a quest to 'get a heart of your own' resonated so deeply for so long? We have hearts. We are real people. Then why do we dream of more? What would it be like to be more conscious, more aware? Even just to be able to remember what happened last week? What would it be like to not be so numb? To feel like you're actually, really, there? And what about God? Could it be possible to actually feel his presence, or maybe even to have riveting encounters with the Divine? These three ancient Mussar texts say yes, it is possible. And they tell how.  (Thank you for donating every five conversations.)

#36: Mussar gives you words for the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS and makes them real to you.

The way you move really hot food around in your mouth. Moonlight on water. When you're about to introduce someone and forget their name. The day after tomorrow. That crazy urge to squish cuteness. People who spend lots of time and little money at coffeeshops. What do these things have in common? There's no English word for them! Same goes for Mussar. It's a vocabulary, a language. Without Mussar we don't have words for things - things we really need, things that aren't real to us otherwise. Speaking of which! Let's look at some Hebrew Mussar words that have no English equivalent.

#37: What is TIKKUN and how is it the inner work of MUSSAR? (Also some encouragement)

To say that Mussar is "inner work" is kind of vague. What kind of work? Well...you know how last week we talked about Mussar and how it gives you words for things? This is one of those things that don't have an English equivalent. The Hebrew word is TIKKUN and it means way more than you think. Let's start by unpacking tikkun/תִּיקּוּן as it's used in the Bible and see how it relates to your personal Mussar practice. If you're feeling down I'm also going to give you some encouragement, invite you to dream again, and teach you a simple one-word prayer to say when you don't feel like doing anything at all.

#38: Walk a path of healing (Tikkun Adam) and you will heal the world (Tikkun Olam)

Mussar gives you words for things. Some of those words are Hebrew because we don't have big enough English words. For example, "tikkun" - the inner work of Mussar. In our last conversation I showed you how Tikkun is used in the original Hebrew Bible. Now let's look at what it means in Rabbinic literature and modern Hebrew. Most of this conversation will be about tikkun as healing - restoring, repairing, rehabilitating, mending - and how to experience that for yourself. Why? Because only people walking their own paths of healing (Tikkun Adam) will be able to heal the world (Tikkun Olam).

#39: Want to change the world? Start by going POOP and putting on your PANTS

Want to make the world a better place? The Hebrew word "tikkun" holds a hilariously profound message. Yes, it involves sweeping public changes like government reform, social innovation, remedial legislation, and improving our institutions. And yes, there's also the inner side of personal healing. But tikkun also means going to the bathroom and getting dressed. What's the connection? Why would you need to deal with your own poop before trying to clean up the world? Or start your day right when your country needs saving? And why make a difference in the life of that one kid when…? Tikkun also means destiny so let's finish by talking about how you can walk into yours. 

#40: All that stands between US and a NIGHTMARE WORLD is character qualities: Mussar Middot.

If you think 'working on yourself' sounds kind of vague…you're right. Mussar is way more specific than that. Much of "tikkun" is focused on individual character qualities, or "middot" in Hebrew. While literally middot are just quantitative measures, figuratively they range from your soul traits and values to Hashem's ways and highest attributes. Let's start by learning what "middah" meant in the Tanach and Rabbinic writings and discover how it's used in Israel today. Then we'll see how your character is tied to your habits, face the shocking truth that without these inner qualities everything you could do for God is garbage, and debate whether or not it's middos that make for a good day and a great you. (Five more lessons! Show your support?)

#41: Want more divine inspiration and energy (RUACH HAKODESH) in your life?

Now that we've talked about the inner work of Mussar and how much of it is focused on specific character qualities or 'middot', let's look at the verb behind this noun. It may help to explain how exactly this Hebrew term for quantitative measurements in three-dimensional space came to mean your capacity for uniquely human and divine attributes in the realm of the soul and spirit. Not to mention answering questions like: Why does God ultimately treat you the way you treat other people? What should you do if you're worried about the next generation and want to make a difference? How can understanding whether you're a 'large, medium, or small' save you from pushing people until they snap? And most importantly, how can you get more divine inspiration and energy (Ruach HaKodesh) in your life? 

#42: Mussar is NOT about being good and Middot are NOT virtues...so what are they?

Moralism never worked for you? Just couldn't get excited about being good? Good! Because Mussar isn't about being a good person, and Middot aren't virtues. Mussar is the path of the heart - it's about facing those parts of yourself you've been avoiding or suppressing so you can relate as a whole person instead of being fake. And middot are neutral, they're not good or bad. If a situation calls for a specific middah and you whip out the opposite, that could be a problem. Same goes for if you're always one thing and never the other. But walking the middle path doesn't mean being average or bland, either. Mussar will make you lots of all the different sides of yourself, not lots of nothing. Let's look at seven pairs of opposite middot and see what makes these neutral qualities helpful or harmful. 

In Process...

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